A Monologue for Me

Cue-sheet for Branscombe

 
(0, 1) 6 Hullo!
(0, 1) 7 Morley.
(0, 1) 8 Glad to see you.
(0, 1) 9 You're as welcome as the sign of a "pub" to a thirsty man.
(0, 1) 10 Have you got a new play for me?
(Morley) There's nothing new under the sun, Branscombe.
 
(Morley) I've got something for you, but I haven't the courage to call it a play.
(0, 1) 13 What is it then─a dirge or a comic song?
(Morley) A hotch-potch written to your order; a fret-work of silliness, with more fret than sense.
 
(Morley) A hotch-potch written to your order; a fret-work of silliness, with more fret than sense.
(0, 1) 15 It sounds good.
(Morley) I'm sorry you think so.
 
(Morley) I wish you would produce that other little play of mine, "The Real Thing."
(0, 1) 18 That sentimental oozing from a sickly soul, with four people in it?
(0, 1) 19 Never!
(Morley) It's strong, emotional, human.
 
(Morley) It's strong, emotional, human.
(0, 1) 21 Managers wouldn't look at it.
(Morley) They are not all such fools as you think.
 
(Morley) They don't all shout the parrot-cry, "Comedy, comedy, and nothing but comedy."
(0, 1) 24 No─some of 'em shout "Drivel," and the rest shout "Farce," or "Amen."
(0, 1) 25 You've got to mix the wildly improbable with the infinitely ridiculous, put it into my serious mouth, and it'll come out in golden drops of mirth.
(0, 1) 26 Let's see the hotch-potch.
(0, 1) 27 If it's a monologue for me, it's all right.
(Morley) {Tosses MS. to BRANSCOMBE.}
 
(Morley) There it is, written down to your level.
(0, 1) 30 Tut! tut! you're always in the clouds.
(0, 1) 31 I can make anything go down with a gurgle, if it's written round my personality.
(0, 1) 32 The public, bless 'em! come to see me, not the play.
(Morley) True! you are more substantial than the play, and an intellectual appeal has no chance in a physical competition.
 
(Morley) True! you are more substantial than the play, and an intellectual appeal has no chance in a physical competition.
(0, 1) 34 All right, old man, don't get cynical.
(0, 1) 35 It isn't natural at your time of life.
(0, 1) 36 You can take it from me that the great B.P. don't want emotions and tears, but action and laughter.
(Morley) Then why the deuce don't you caper about the stage with a set of dummies, and leave real plays for fools to perform?
 
(0, 1) 39 Not a bad idea!
(0, 1) 40 Can you suggest a few details for such a masterpiece?
(Morley) {Savagely.}
 
(Morley) Tie a bladder to a stick, belabour a fellow in an ass's skin, and drive home the moral on a big drum.
(0, 1) 44 A cheap orchestra, by jove!
(0, 1) 45 Why, they'd roar themselves hoarse at such a show.
(Morley) There are some people who laugh at the stolid glint in the eye of a pig; who's world is his stomach and whose life is a grunt.
 
(0, 1) 48 My dear old chap, people must have bacon, and they must laugh; and if they don't find drama to their taste, why on earth shouldn't they have pigs and squeals?
(Morley) They don't want pig.
 
(Morley) You don't even try to make it up into decent sausage.
(0, 1) 52 Who's responsible, I'd like to know?
(Morley) Just a few misguided men, who think the British Public has no morals, men who only have a nose for filth.
 
(Morley) I wish to the lord we had a real Censor.
(0, 1) 56 My dear Morley, draw it mild.
(0, 1) 57 Don't let the pot boil over, or you'll scald yourself.
(Morley) I'll have my say, if I die for it.
 
(Morley) I'll have my say, if I die for it.
(0, 1) 59 You are too altruistic for this sinful world, my son.
(0, 1) 60 The wise man smokes shag when he can't rise to a cigar.
(0, 1) 61 Take my tip, and make the best of pig.
(0, 1) 62 Break out in A Monologue for me, fling sentiment to the dogs, and there you are.
(Morley) I can't do it.
 
(Morley) Write an Epistle to the Public; declaim it from the stage, with antics to suit the words, and see what'll come of it. {Throws himself into a chair.}
(0, 1) 70 I'll do it!
(0, 1) 71 I'll give 'em Branscombe up to date!
 
(0, 1) 73 Look here! if I got on that chair, and held up my leg by the hem of my trousers, and the thing ripped {imitates ripping cloth} they'd scream themselves hoarse.
(0, 1) 74 The curious thing is, if you did it, they wouldn't laugh at all, because yeu couldn't put your soul into it.
(0, 1) 75 It's personality does it.
(Morley) A unique personality to put his soul into the leg of his trousers.
 
(0, 1) 79 You're getting on!
(Morley) A play must have balance, Branscombe, and the balance of a man on one leg is precarious, to say the least of it.
 
(Morley) A play must have balance, Branscombe, and the balance of a man on one leg is precarious, to say the least of it.
(0, 1) 81 It would give you a balance at the bank, and that's the only balance that matters.
(Morley) What about self-respect─reputation?
 
(0, 1) 84 in the flat of his hand.}
(0, 1) 85 Reputation!
(0, 1) 86 You talk about reputation─you─who dare to cut me up─me─into the fourth part of a quartette.
(0, 1) 87 Have I climbed to fame to be smothered, overlain, by this quadrigenarious quartette?
(0, 1) 88 I'll show you how to write a play.
(Morley) It won't be worth the bray of an ass when you have done with it.
 
(Morley) It won't be worth the bray of an ass when you have done with it.
(0, 1) 90 Apologise, you brute!
(Morley) Well, it will be worth the bray of an ass, and that's about all.
 
(0, 1) 95 What do you think of that for a bit of critic's work?
(Morley) {Glancing at the play.}
 
(Morley) The soul has been struck out of it, and there's only flesh left.
(0, 1) 99 The bigger the folly, the bigger the laugh.
(Morley) The world lives to laugh now and cry later on.
 
(Morley) The world lives to laugh now and cry later on.
(0, 1) 101 It's good to laugh 'till you cry.
(0, 1) 102 Give me the book.
 
(0, 1) 104 Here we are!
(0, 1) 105 I'll do the big part, and you throw in interjections, to keep me going.
(Morley) But there's a girl in it.
 
(Morley) If you do, there'!l be something unprintable said.
(0, 1) 109 Good!
(0, 1) 110 That'll tickle the gallery.
(0, 1) 111 Here, sit down and take notes in shorthand.
 
(0, 1) 113 We'll give her a line or two to keep her quiet.
(0, 1) 114 H'm!
(0, 1) 115 ~
(0, 1) 116 I'm a Judge, about to sentence a prisoner for larceny.
 
(0, 1) 118 Notice the attitude and the judicial cough.
 
(0, 1) 120 Eleanor Rachel Smart.
(0, 1) 121 No, that won't do.
(0, 1) 122 She musn't be smart at the very start.
(Morley) For Heaven's sake! don't make bad jokes.
 
(Morley) For Heaven's sake! don't make bad jokes.
(0, 1) 124 Our best judge does it─poor "darling"!─ahem!
(0, 1) 125 Always gas, dear boy, when there's a vacuum to be filled.
(0, 1) 126 It catches the B.P. under the fifth rib, gastric gurgle, you know.
(Morley) Oh, get on, and don't drag in physiology; there's enough beastliness in plays without that.
 
(Morley) Oh, get on, and don't drag in physiology; there's enough beastliness in plays without that.
(0, 1) 128 Fastidious youth!
(0, 1) 129 Attention!
(0, 1) 130 Scene one:─Prisoner at the bar, you are accused of stealing {fumbles with the pages} stealing─
(0, 1) 131 There's no reference here to the article purloined.
(0, 1) 132 The indictment is bad in law, worse than the offence in morals.
(0, 1) 133 The Johnnie who fuddled it up ought to be sentenced to six months in the bubbly bottle division, lemonade side.
(Morley) Do be serious!
 
(Morley) The girl {points to page} there is accused of stealing bank notes from her employer's safe.
(0, 1) 136 Rot!
(0, 1) 137 If the safe was safe, she couldn't steal 'em.
(0, 1) 138 No, it was a gold locket; from her lover, heart shaped, of course.
(0, 1) 139 He gave it her as a pledge of something or other.
(0, 1) 140 They quarrelled, and he forgot.
(0, 1) 141 Portia defends herself─through me─and turns the tables on the unsafe safe-maker and the lost memory mortal, and gets compensation from the government.
(0, 1) 142 Work in a joke about pledges─my Uncle's pawn-ticket─see?
(0, 1) 143 I can make a lot out of that.
(Morley) I thought "Uncle" usually made the profit.
 
(Morley) I thought "Uncle" usually made the profit.
(0, 1) 145 What's the odds, so long as I make the jokes?
(Morley) You can't joke in a Court of Law.
 
(Morley) You can't joke in a Court of Law.
(0, 1) 147 You can do anything in a Court of Mono-law-g, dear boy.
(0, 1) 148 You can commit a judge for contempt of court; make the jury sing comic songs; criticise the critics; and make every fellow see himself as he ought not to be.
(Morley) You seem to have got your ideas from the funny man in the bar of a pub on Saturday night.
 
(Morley) You seem to have got your ideas from the funny man in the bar of a pub on Saturday night.
(0, 1) 150 The spirit speaks─what!
(0, 1) 151 "Hi, waiter!
(0, 1) 152 Three pen'oth o' gin 'ot: an' I'll toss yer who pyes."
(0, 1) 153 I get my laugh, hurry back to the Seat of Justice, dab my nose with red, and let the gin speak.
(0, 1) 154 A pal at the back throws a cabbage at me, by way of fraternal greeting, and the court missionary presents the peeress in the dock with a red rose, peppered with snuff, the emblem of tears.
(Morley) Branscombe, old chap, your mind is wandering.
 
(Morley) Branscombe, old chap, your mind is wandering.
(0, 1) 156 Lottery-tottery; but what matter?
(0, 1) 157 The peeress in the dock sniffs the snuff in the red rose, gets into wild hysterics, and the court missionary swears by all the demons of ruddy ruin─
(Morley) Stop, stop!
 
(Morley) Missionaries don't swear.
(0, 1) 160 My missionary does.
(0, 1) 161 He's not a common missionary.
(0, 1) 162 The noble judge comforts the pretty peeress and encourages her to hold the snuffy rose under the missionary's nose, until he dies sneezing.
(0, 1) 163 Talk about poetical justice!
(0, 1) 164 What do you say to that?
(Morley) It's the most crazy thing ever imagined out of Bedlam.
 
(Morley) It's the most crazy thing ever imagined out of Bedlam.
(0, 1) 166 What's crazy to you will be a craze to the B.P.
(0, 1) 167 Don't be jealous!
(0, 1) 168 You shall have all the credit, and it'll make you infamous!
(0, 1) 169 Observe.
(0, 1) 170 Nobody speaks but me in this monologue.
(0, 1) 171 The missionary and the maid move only when I pull the strings.
(Morley) {Laughing.}
 
(Morley) lf I didn't know you, I should say you'd got acute "D.T.'s."
(0, 1) 174 The B.P. understand D.T.'s; they don't understand the higher ethics.
 
(0, 1) 176 Pshaw!
(0, 1) 177 The beastly thing has got tangled up.
(0, 1) 178 It was you chippin' in that spoiled it all.
(0, 1) 179 Never mind! it'll stand for all time as a mighty intellectual effort.
(0, 1) 180 Give me a whiskey and soda and help yourself.
 
(0, 1) 182 We've done a jolly good morning's work.
(0, 1) 183 We deserve a drink.
(0, 1) 184 Here's success to The Monologue!
(Morley) May it be buried twenty thousand fathoms deep in the dead sea!
 
(Morley) If you'd only put on "The Real Thing," and get away from your past.
(0, 1) 188 Dear boy! my past is my repast, I live on it.
 
(0, 1) 190 There's a knock at the door.
(0, 1) 191 Come in!
(Geraldine) {Letters in her hand.}
 
(Morley) You!
(0, 1) 203 You appear to know my Secretary, Morley?
(Morley) Yes.
 
(Geraldine) I─I'm afraid to tell you─you would condemn me, too, and I─I couldn't bear it (sobs).
(0, 1) 234 I'll leave you, Morley.
 
(0, 1) 236 Poor little girl!
 
(0, 1) 261 The Police Court?
(0, 1) 262 What on earth does she mean, Morley?
(Morley) Hush!
 
(Geraldine) {Almost collapses.}
(0, 1) 272 I say, this is very distressing, Morley.
(0, 1) 273 I don't know what to─to─
(0, 1) 274 Oh, damn it! I'm going to stand by you.
(0, 1) 275 Can't you see that you are torturing her?
(0, 1) 276 What right have you to ask her to bare her soul to you?
(Morley) She─is─my─wife.
 
(Morley) She─is─my─wife.
(0, 1) 278 Your wife!
(0, 1) 279 Forgive me, old fellow.
(0, 1) 280 I'll go; she may speak more freely when you are alone.
 
(0, 1) 282 Poor little girl!
(Morley) Stay, Branscombe.
 
(Geraldine) {Rests her head on her hand, loses herself in thought.}
(0, 1) 293 Come, Miss─Mrs. Morley, we are both your friends, and we're going to see you through.
 
(0, 1) 295 Tell us all about it.
(0, 1) 296 We'll find a way to straighten things out, you bet.
(0, 1) 297 There's my hand.
 
(Geraldine) One of the missing notes and a skeleton key were found in my desk.
(0, 1) 322 Ah!
(Morley) Some enemy must have put them there.
 
(Morley) Some enemy must have put them there.
(0, 1) 324 Go on, Miss─Mrs. Morley.
(Geraldine) They said I had opened the safe with the skeleton key, and stolen the notes.
 
(0, 1) 369 Pshaw! pooh!
(0, 1) 370 What a fool I am!
 
(0, 1) 373 A damn rotten business I call it.
(0, 1) 374 Somebody ought to be shot.
 
(0, 1) 378 Eh! what!
 
(0, 1) 380 You've soon got over it!
 
(0, 1) 382 What the deuce is there to laugh about?
(Morley) My little plays generally end in a laugh.
 
(Morley) My little plays generally end in a laugh.
(0, 1) 384 Your little plays!
(0, 1) 385 You're funny, aren't you?
(Morley) {Coming down centre.}
 
(Morley) How do you like it?
(0, 1) 391 Like it?
 
(0, 1) 393 I feel inclined to break your neck.
(0, 1) 394 You've taken an unfair advantage of me.
(0, 1) 395 As for you, Mrs. Morley─
(Geraldine) {Coming forward quickly, with a mischievous laugh.}
 
(Geraldine) Geraldine O'Connor, if you please.
(0, 1) 398 The devil!─
(0, 1) 399 I beg your pardon.
(Morley) Can't you stretch a point, Miss Geraldine, and make my play a little more real?
 
(Morley) It would be The Real Thing─if you were really Mrs. Morley.
(0, 1) 403 If it's a match, Morley, my boy, I'll produce your play with the same cast─as a wedding present.
(Morley) What about a Monologue for you?
 
(0, 1) 406 Shut up!
(0, 1) 407 Miss O'Connor, the word's with you.
(0, 1) 408 Is it a bargain?